Blogging The Oscars

Well, time for the Second Annual Small Dead Oscar Live Blog.
(2004 Edition here)
Into the first few minutes of the red carpet. Pretty slow. Annette Bening makes me feel better about how well I’ve aged. And memo to Rene Zelwiger – I don’t think the collagen is supposed to go in the eyelids.
Oh man, this is mindnumbingly boring. I may have to start drinking.

As an aside, with Dan Rather being turned out to pasture soon, wouldn’t it be thoughtful to send him a old cow for company?

So far, no sign of Michael Moore… though I don’t expect the luck to hold.
Chris Rock is … strident. Oh dear….There are shades here of Live At The Apollo amateur night. Is Steve Martin in the audience?
(See also – The PW annotated Rock monologue)
Set Decoration: Aviator
ACKKK!! Camera swings wide to catch a glimpse of ALAN ALDA… my eyes… my eyes…
Rene Zelwiger isn’t fooling anyone. The “walk” gave her away. She’s wearing a corset made with triiple layered molybdenum steel under that dress, that extends to her knees.
Supporting actor: Morgan Freeman
Robin Williams just sucked the big black donkey dick.
*Disclosure Notice*: the only movie I saw this year was Team America.
Animated Feature: Incredibles
Oh look. How clever. A presentation done in the audience to some people for “Lemony Snickets”. . Imagine how nice that is to have your life’s work recognized and you don’t get to set foot on stage.
Beyonce singing in FRENCH, and me, fresh out of sedatives..
This is actually funny. Chris Rock interviewing people who haven’t seen any of the nominated movies. Audience is subdued….. (update – a commentor protests that there was laughter. Yes, there was, but I don’t think they found it as funny as I did… now, if all those interviewed who said they’d seen “White Chicks” had been white, rather than black, the Hollywood elite have been roaring with “self deprecation”.)
Costume Design: Oh. How original. A cartoon character shares the stage with a real prson. Never seen that before. (Aviator)
Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchette, Aviator
Now, this was a good idea – stark reminder of how good Carson was. Backstage, Chris Rock is chewing off his paw.

A documentary award. Heh. Still no sign of Michael Moore.
Film Editing: Aviator
Counting Crows perform “Accidentally In Love” and put forward a powerful argument for the merits of lip synching.
Adapted Screenplay: Sideways
Visual Effects: Spiderman II
Roger L. Simon is liveblogging too, and doesn’t like Rock any better than I do. Maybe there is something to the f-word being funny, after all.
(I was blog surfing through the lifetime achievment award, so didn’t pay attention. It was either that or nap)
Beyonce is now singing a Phantom of the OH MY GOD! Her right breast just fell out of her dress. I’ts caught up in that giagantic necklace.. oh – it’s the niple ring that’s caught up. Chris Rock is coming to her aid, gentleman that he is… only to ruin the moment with a Janet Jackson joke.
Someone just shot themselves, in the middle of Jeremy Irons’ presentation for best Animation Short: Wasp. No stage for you, suckers.
Laura Liney drove to the Oscars with her head hanging out the window…wheeee! Short Film, apparently some Canadian Film Board thing. Typically, everyone got thanked except the taxpayers.
Cinematography: Aviator
Sound mixing: Ray
Sound Editing: Incredibles
Documentary Short AND STILL NO MOORE SIGHTINGS.
Rock finally nailed one with the “next year they’ll have the drive-thru Oscar lane” and the “Oprah is so rich, John Kerry has been seen proposing to her”.
Original Score: Finding Neverland. Camera catches Johnny Depp, who still needs to cut his bangs.
Hershoflt Awad for humanitarian work to Roger Mayer.
This is a reak struggle, the hardest live blogging I’ve ever done. It’s so unbelievably slow. There haven’t even been any really, really bad dresses.
Best Song of a Bad Lot goes to Motorcycle Diaries. Best acceptance speech to the guy who accepted it with a little song.
Sean Penn sticks up for Jude Law, doubling the damage Chris Rock did with his long forgotten “joke”.
Actress:Hilary Swank
Foreign Film missed it. Too bored. Went to read Jeff for a while. Just great. He’s being especially brilliant today, while I’ve been sucked into an Oscar blogging quagmire of my own making…
Original Screenplay: Eternal Sunshine of te Spotless Mind
Best Actor: Jamie Foxx. Best speech so far.
Director:Clint Eastwood
Bumfonline is taking this far more seriously.
Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby
And fulfilling my earlier predictions, totally Michael Moore free (outside the insipid attempt at F9/11 humour by Rock early on) And Barbra Streisand and most of Hollywood had the good sense to keep their mouths shut about politics, aside from statements supporting the US Military. Maybe they’re starting to catch on….