Including shame-cleaning via laser; an improbable crisis handled well; things that never happen but never happen quite a lot; a pipe-organ rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody; and Steed and Mrs Peel visit The Town Of No Return.

All this and more.

Including a crab pedicure; a kitten in peril; smart slime and throbbing bloblets; some tell-tale bruising; a mishap with sheet music; and when A.I. attempts to make a sign language manual.

All this and more.

Including a new dance-move sensation; a brief history of topiary; some fifty-tonne crystals; a smartwatch powered by slime mould; and a guide to the world of Japanese music sirens.

All this and more.

Including days 5 and 6 of the machine uprising; an incriminating browser history; a triumph of elastication; courtesy in odd places; and when parking a car is a collaborative effort.

All this and more.

Including the woo of twerking; some workplace woes; a domestic drama; a dispute over parking; and assorted telesnaps of TARDIS interiors.

All this and more.

Including how to measure the push of a laser pointer; how to lose your shoes; an illustration of life’s modern complications; an excruciatingly simulated heist game; and a guide to Japanese portable record players.

All this and more.

There’s an International Harvester deep freeze in my brother’s basement that dates to the 1950’s. Still running.

About five years ago, for seven dollars, I bought an old citrus juicer at a thrift shop. It was one of those vintage small appliances which seem built to survive gas explosions and hammer attacks. When I turned on the motor with a metal toggle switch, a drive shaft spun a heavy ceramic knob that gouged out the hearts of lemon and orange halves, leaving not a scrap of pulp uncrushed. The thing worked beautifully, almost like new, so I looked up its serial number on the internet to see when the unit was manufactured, guessing it might be almost 40 years old. 

Wrong. It dated to the 1940s. It was 70, the stubborn monster, still giving satisfaction with every use.

Including a chap with a big one; a blockage of note; some unfriendly natives; a museum of mistranslation; a compendium of Argos catalogues, 1973-1991; and some normally small effects, amplified rather dramatically.

All this and more.

Including an attempt at what may be flirting; a memorable approach; a game about nineteenth-century surgery; where to buy your cannabis gravy; and a device that analyses the sounds of human excretion, for science.

All this and more.

Including some scholarly ruminations on the anus; how bats pee; Cocaine Bear; when 4.7 million pieces of Lego were lost at sea; and when A.I. generates a 1987 Radio Shack catalogue.

All this and more.

Including a thing that your mother must never hear about; a thirst quenched; a house that’s legally haunted; a practical application for fluid dynamics; and how to land a plane when it’s all going horribly wrong.

All this and more.

Including an interspecies duet; some small pulsations; a project for the weekend; the Volkswagen office chair; and when AI generates an episode of Top Gear.

All this and more.

Including a feat of sorcery; a lesson in forethought; towels of unknown provenance; a suboptimal situation; and a memorable encounter with nature.

All this and more.

Including a chap with a big one; a woke Lord’s Prayer; some interspecies erotic headwear; retail dramas of yore; some after-pub fine dining; and why a preference for flat stomachs is caused by “colonialism and anti-Blackness.”

All this and more.

Including some alternative-reality TV; post-coital fondue; the woes of the erotic mind-control community; millions of year of fun for the whole family; and when you’ve mistakenly assumed the day couldn’t possibly get any worse.

All this and more.

Including a very close call; some unladylike descending; the roller skates of yesteryear; selective Hollywood umbrage; and when your wardrobe solution requires some reorganization of external reality.

All this and more.

Including some unexpected excitement in the bedroom; what happens when you live near the border; an alarming crane-related mishap; and an A.I. that finds open-access camera footage of Instagram photos being taken.

All this and more.

Including a thing that devours puppies; a new rap sensation; a notable boat horn; a romantic long shot; and a detailed, two-part analysis of the self-destructing tape recorders in the Mission: Impossible TV series.

All this and more.

Including a nipping of the tender parts; scenes from hell’s kitchen; “equitable” Vaseline; how to find a missing dad; and how to impress your friends with interacting vortices.

All this and more.

Including the somewhat improbable secret to all human happiness; some impressive elastication; the thrill of waxing; how Marvel shat the bed; and when autogynephile men get off in women’s bathrooms.

All this and more.