Blogging The Oscars

I’ve never blogged a live event before – we’ll see how it goes. I’ll just update this single entry and see what happens. If it begins to suck too much, deleting one entry is easier.
First impressions… red carpet interviews … the countdown clock and photo feature-the-actor inserts remind me of pre-race Kentucky Derby coverage with tighter dresses and dumber athletes.
4:00 to go. . these people get scripts for a reason.
3:20 … it’s a thoroughbred theme night, no question…. Seabiscuit, Depp’s “horse of a different color” comment and that Copolla chick’s teeth.
The orchestra begins… what? no big opening number? Sean Connery had dental work earlier today, by the sounds of things. The Billy Crystal naked thing worked. Not much else. ARGHHHHH!!!! Michael Moore.
Some of these people actually paid a professional to give them my bed hair.
Crystal’s sing-the-movies schtick is getting old.
Supporting actor: Zeta Jones looks great. Tim Robbins wins. More bad hair. Oprah moment about child abuse.
(I bet the Americans are getting cooler ads, just like the Superbowl)
(in the interest of full disclosure: the only movie I’ve seen of all those nominated is LOTR. I’m hoping it wins for the solitary reason that the blonde elf guy is about the sweetest male thing alive on the planet today.)
One down: LOTR Art Direction. I agree with this choice, as a former Art Director.
Heh. Robin Williams still has it. Finding Nemo beats two things I never heard of. (I forgot – I saw Finding Nemo) for Best Fish Story.
Two. LOTR: Costumes. Speaking of which, Renee Zellweger is wearing a big Kleenex.
Supporting actress: Kleenex lady. Now I know why – to have somewhere to blow her nose, poor tearful thing. Did I just hear her thank the Canadian Automobile Association?
Bob Hope Is Finally Dead Retrospective… camera pans to Mickey Rooney. I’m sure he appreciated that.
Some guy is reading off the phone book. I don’t know what he won. Bathroom break time.
eeeeeeyyikes.. what the hell was Liv Tyler thinking? The Addams Family Librarian?
Where was I? (dozed off during the best songs)
Three: LOTR for something else.
Too bad everyone was half asleep for the Blake Edwards wheelchair gag. My God, this is slow.
Four: LOTR for Makeup. Five: LOTR for Sound Mixing. Sandra Bullock for Best Lampshade Dress.
Documentary for Fog Of War. Here comes the speech… millions died in a rabbit hole in Vietnam. Thanks to McNamara. Apparently, this movie kept McNamara out of Iraq, and that’s done some “damn good”.
Everyone, check your Dead Pool entries.
Where were we? Six: LOTR – some music thing? and Seven: LOTR, film ediiting. This can end any time now. *yawn* Eight; LOTR, Best Original Song. (There were songs in LORT?)
Barbarian Invasions gets Foreign Film. Americans look bewildered. Canada is a foreign country? Master and Commander gets a second award, for cinematography. I’m losing track of stupid dress awards. Has an American film won anything yet?
How long have we been here? I’m thinking of chewing my paw off…..
Nine, LOTR, for screenplay. Get that poor bag lady off stage. Susan Sarandan is threatening a Janet moment, if only gravity will assist a little. Sophia Coppola wins for original screenplay.
Ten, Peter Jackson….. LOTR.
Actress. Charlize Theron. (We are reminded that this is an occupation in which 13 year olds can be considered for the industry’s highest achievment awards. Which means that it’s almost as hard as passing a driver’s test.) Two wins in a row for an African-American woman.
OscarTrivia Question: Which of this year’s nominated movies had no actors?
Sean Penn gets best actor. And a standing ovation? Johnny Depp is sniffling behind his bangs.
Lord Of The Rings makes it a “clean sweep”. Now, somebody get Jackson a comb.