32 Replies to “You Have Two Cows…”

  1. In Canahduh, if you have two cows, you can’t sell the milk to your neighbours unless you first pay protection money to the dairy mafia.

      1. (0) – There is a specific mentally ill perversion, possibly multiple others for that sort of “fantasy”. Just say’n.

  2. In BC you HAD a cow, but a hunter shot it; thought it was an elk…
    (Easy mistake to make, right? They’re both black and white and have antlers.)

    1. Bought a silk-screened t-shirt in Montana years ago. Corpulent lady inna red-checked jacket, standing over her kill, staring angrily at the cowboy across from it, smoke still rising from the gun barrel. Tag line was, “Easy, lady, easy. You can have your elk. Just let me take my saddle off ‘im…”.

  3. Excellent. Sadly, I have no cows. Life as I have known it is over. I have missed many opportunities because I did not have two cows.

  4. Canada:
    You have 2 cows and no debt but you want 200 cows to keep up with Fritz next door. So you borrow millions from Farm Credit Corporation at low interest to finance cows, land, and milk quota. And then turdo enacts a fertilizer ban and your interest rates triple and then quadruple.

    1. In a not too distant future Canada, the Libranos have given away every cow they could find and stole the rest.

      In a brilliant move, they changed the name of crickets to cows .

      Canada no longer has an obesity problem.

  5. In Canada you have two cows. The government does not allow milk from cows in other countries to enter the country. You charge the highest price for milk in the world. You are very wealthy.

    1. Don’t forget the triple, triple, triple taxation on the cows for those not elitist enough to be allowed to Offshore their corporate banking.

  6. In Saskatchewan you can have two cows but no calves, because Moe calls abortion an essential service.

  7. Kate – the Two Cows story was great, but some of the responses here are just as hilarious. Thanks for sharing on a cold Monday morning.

    1. “Kate – the Two Cows story was great, but some of the responses here are just as hilarious. Thanks for sharing on a cold Monday morning.”

      Yeah, there were some good ones.

      Lickmuffin’s contribution had me laughing all the way through. 🙂

  8. In Canada, you have two cows with deep, sad, cow eyes. They look sad so your veterinarian invokes MAID and euthanises them. Your children are saddened by this; your doctor euthanises them. Your wife loses her mind over the kids; your doctor euthanises her. You’re angry and join an anti-euthanasia protest in Ottawa; Trudeau denounces you as an anti-science, racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic hater who does not share Canadian values and who is just talking up space. Your bank freezes your assets The RCMP raids your home looking for guns and blows up your barn. A Sûreté du Québec police horse stomps on your skull. The CBC photoshops Confederate and Nazi flags around your corpse as it lies in the street. Canadian women with severe daddy issues swoon and give Justin majority governments for the rest of his life. The rest of us just sit back and write blog comments until all of the above happens to us. And we don’t even have any cows.

    1. Milk from the two cows made me sick because I am lactose intolerant so they MAID me. First it’s voluntary, soon it will be mandatory.

    2. “Trudeau denounces you as an anti-science, racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic hater who does not share Canadian values and who is just talking up space.”

      You forgot, “fringe minority with unacceptable views”. May as well throw in, “deplorable”, and “ultra-MAGA”, as well.

  9. In Canada the Lieberal/EnnDeePee Uniparty can’t sell you two cows because that’s sexist.

    To address that issue, they strike a subcommittee, allot an 8 figure budget, hire a dozen new woke Sniveling Servants, have a shiny gov’t jet on standby and promise results in 24 months. 18 months into the mandate they run out of money & get another 8 figure budget, after pumping thousands of tons of CO2 into the atmosphere.

    In another 15 months, once more they’re outta money, they get one more 8 figure budget and a time extension. The Sniveling Servants have now been employed long enough to qualify for those much coveted, gold-plated pensions schemes. At this point they hire a buncha external consultants who, inna 5 minute meeting over coffee & doughnuts, decide that all politicians are stupid. They submit their findings to the subcommittee who then bastardize the results before passing them on to Parliament, patting themselves on the back for a job well done, citing, “All cows are stupid”.

    This is how the sausage is made.

  10. I had two cows on 10 acres in suburbia.

    … but local suburban animal ordinance says I can only keep 5 chickens and no other livestock. Animal control picked up my cows, billed me $10,000.00 in transport fees, then donated the cows to a local rancher. The State water control board cited the rancher for running too many livestock on his property, claiming they were fouling the local creek waters. So State Troopers found the two cows and euthanized them on the spot with that kind of contraption used in “No Country for Old Men” (or old cows, evidently). The rancher had a rendering company pick up the cow carcasses and was paid $200.00 per expired bovine. The two cows helped manufacture 500 bottles of wood glue, and 200 packages of lime jello.

  11. In Canada, one of your cows speaks French, and the other speaks English, so 1/2 your milk from the English cow is sent east to the French cow so they can understand how unfair the world is, and their quota for cheese gives them sole rights to sell you the cheddar you need to get by in today’s unfair world. The gov’t steals your guns, so the only way to harvest beef is to run over it with an unregistered ’62 Pontiac lifted 8 inches to ride over the rocks in your field. In the off season, you manufacture “corn wine” with your neighbors.

    The English cow pays the taxes for both cow’s milk.

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