A Futuristic Blend Of Ugly And Useless

Roadkill 81 Comments

Via @ShortingIsFun — Someone wake up @markbspiegel and @TESLAcharts, they’re going to have regretted missing the CringeTruck reveal.

“In his unusually short, 25-minute presentation, Musk didn’t say when the truck will head into production.”

But wait, there’s more!

And, yes…. more.

81 Replies to “A Futuristic Blend Of Ugly And Useless”

    1. Indeed Mole … but a really ugly Bricklin or maybe a modified DeLorean … modified by a crack head 😉 with the IQ of a turnip.

      I wonder if the windows breaking and wheel falling off are photoshopped pics?

      1. Video of the windows breaking with Musk looking on in embarased silence are playing on the cable and network news TV channels. Haven’t seen definitive proof of the failed back wheel yet.

  2. Yay I always wanted my truck to look like an extra from a low budget 1970s sci-fi show. Something Flash Gordon would ride in… or maybe Flesh Gordon (don’t search this one).

    1. I don’t think having trucks look like 70’s sci-fi will be such a problem, as long as the ladies dress in the same style it should all be fine!

      /clarify – real ladies, not the pretend ones…

    2. You’d be LAUGHED off the job site.

      Oh, and how about THESE stats, Elon ? Say I tow a small horse trailer with two quarter horses to a local rodeo … it’s a 50-mile drive. Now what’s my range? Will I make it home? With my horses? Of course not, you pin headed idiot. Oh? And it’s hot outside … what if I turned on the AC? Now, what’s my range? Oh, and the Rodeo is UPHILL in the foothills of the Sierra … now what’s my “EPA range”?

        1. Ha ha ha ha ha !!! With the soyboy “designer” of this thing who throws steel balls like an 8yo girl … which still manages to break the glass … “riding” in the passenger seat?

          Who killed the electric pickup truck? Tesla killed it deader than dead. Elon needs to be put on suicide watch

        3. Roaring with laughter, Comment of the day, probably the week, maybe the whole month. (Still laughing.)

      2. “Say I tow a small horse trailer with two quarter horses to a local rodeo…”

        Haw haw. YES your truck will make it home – YES with trailer in tow – IF you brought harnesses and tack for the horses, and there’s an attachment point at the front of the truck that you can hitch them up to!

        “Well yeah it’s electric-powered – the horses were so embarrassed to be seen towing that truck, they refused to move – I had to use the cattle prod on their tails, or we’d still be sittin’ there!”

    1. Where do you put a stack of 6 foot long plywood?

      I had an old 1988 Toyota short bed truck, 30 mpg, half ton load that would out pull that POS anytime.

  4. Oh brother, agreed, like a 70s B-film vehicle…..it won’t be competition with the Rivian…..now that actually looks like a truck, but futuristic too.
    Flim Flam Musk tanked this one….

  5. The car body was not designed by anyone that understands how to maximize the strength of sheet metal or composite material.

    I heard that describes most of the Tesla Wonder Boys.

    2. This truck is PROOF that Tesla is a dying, near bankrupt, company. No self-respecting, talented, experienced, automobile designer (who earn deservedly $$LARGE salaries) designed this JOKE of a “pickup truck”. This “truck” appears to have been designed by a student of one of those mail order “Design Academy’s” you find on the back of matchbook covers. Evidently, Musk can no longer afford top talent … so he’s winging it with young ‘woke’ Eco-designers. OMG. To have even brought this prototype this far reveals how desperately out of control Tesla has become.

      If I had any money invested in Tesla … I’d get it OUT now. Hint: I believe the woke, Eco-investors running the massive CALPERS and my wife’s CALSTRS … are HEAVILY invested in Tesla. Gawwwwd … there goes my retirement … we’ll be eating cat food. Thank God, Trumps stock market has engorged my SEP IRA!!

  6. The first person who gets run-over by that, you can add insult to injury with Bo Diddley’s old line:

    “You look like you got hit wid’ da UUUUU-gly truck!”

    1. Caught the Tesla window-breaking vid on BNB-Bloomberg news (the only Canadian all-news channel with any remote idea of integrity). Andrew Bell was hosting. Almost as funny as CNN’s Cuomo making a phone call to his mom.

  12. You peoplez should be ashamed of yourself. This (whatever it is that cannot be named because that is the mortal sin of deadnaming) is just identifying as a truck. Obviously, a trans-truck.

    1. Honda made the same choices with it’s idea of a pick up truck, the Ridgeline had very high plastic sides on the bed, and put the spare in a hatch under the bed. They made revisions to the 2nd gen to make it more truck like.

  15. Get back to me when any progress is made on deporting Elon to South Africa.

    It’s clear he has no interest in anything but spending other people’s money on fantasies normal men left behind in the comic books where they found them when they hit puberty.

    If the Israelis couldn’t develop a practical electric car, it’s safe to say nobody can.

  16. Fer Gawds sake Elon please launch the thing into space ASAP. You did it with one your crappy cars. At least if aliens see it they might just bypass us thinking we are to stupid to invade.

  17. Pointy like the pointy heads who made it. ‘Ugly and useless is a feature not a bug; remember the public needs to learn to hate everything about the whole idea of the individually owned and operated automobile if we’re going to ‘save the planet’

  19. One more time:

    Mr. Musk is nothing more than the reincarnation of P.T. Barnum, but with more money and less ethics.

    When will you understand???

  20. Damnation Alleymobile – for a Damnation Alley that has regularly and conveniently placed charging stations.

      1. The funny thing is that I saw that movie within about ten miles of where the final scene was set, only they substituted Montana for upstate NY, so the only scene in the film shot naturally is the scene that looked most fake to me. For the shitty special effects I could suspend my disbelief, but not for the wrong sort of naturalness.

        Go figure.

  21. In case anyone has ever wondered what the product of an unholy union between a DeLorean and an F-117 would look like, behold.

    Curiously, it’s sledgehammer-proof. Sadly, not metal-ball-thrown-effeminately-proof. It should prove useful to the construction foreman that swings by the job site but forgets to pick up coffee.

    1. that wasn’t a sledgehammer…

      it was a dead blow hammer, designed to minimize damage, the orange head is a giveaway.

  22. To me it looks like the offspring resulting from a Hummer passing out drunk and being raped by a Gremlin

  23. If anyone is wondering what first generation Ridgeline owners would be trading their Hondas in for, the question has been answered.

  26. 8 foot by 4 foot.

    If you cannot put a sheet of plywood in the back, it’s not a truck.

    Very minimum, must be 4 feet between the wheel wells in the truck bed. If you have the leave the gate down for the plywood, that is minimally acceptable.

    Also, cab and chassis; where is the service body supposed to go for the tire truck? Where does the Lincoln welder go? Can the box fit a herbicide container? Where is the cherry picker supposed to go, for the power line/sign guy?

    1. 8 foot by 4 foot
      Duh! Design priority #1 for a practical pu truck.

      Uh, and is there even a tailgate on this thing? Or would a tailgate add too much drag for the EPA range calculations? So your 3’-4” trimmed-down plywood sheets will slide out of the bed with every green light? Oh well … that’ll lighten the load and extend your range.

  27. Why are they always hyping acceleration? I don’t drive F1 for a living; 0 to 60 doesn’t get a boat into or out of the water. Zero to 60 does not pull a stump. Zero to 60 does not get a crane mounted to the frame of your truck. Zero to 60 does not get the skid steer on and off the trailer faster.

    WHEN it doesn’t deliver on what truck buyers actually need, truck buyers won’t pay for it.

    Let’s put some of Elon’s batteries and door locks in a mine resistant armor protected vehicle, and see if he is willing to get blown up while sitting on his own battery pack, with his own doors as the only escape route in case of battery fire.

    2. “Why are they always hyping acceleration?”
      Marketing. It’s what they think sells the best and they might just be right about that.

      “I don’t drive F1 for a living; 0 to 60 doesn’t get a boat into or out of the water. Zero to 60 does not pull a stump.”
      Electric motors don’t behave the way ICE does. They produce maximum torque at minimum revs, so that acceleration is a reflection of the torque available to you to pull boats and stumps. The rub is, of course, that you want the EM to be running off of an extension cord from mains, not batteries, and the reason we use ICE to pull boats and stumps, even though they have inferior performance to EM at the task is that they go and work where extension cords won’t.

    3. Urban knobs like noisy, fast trucks. Usually Dodges and some Fords. They only put groceries in the bed because there are no nuts in the cab.
      I don’t see many Dodges on construction sites – too expensive. And when they first came out with their revamped trucks in the mid-nineties the damn things were too high.

  29. It has a 300 mile range, so what is the range when it’s towing 7000 lbs of trailer behind it (hint: probably way less)

    1. Actually its got a 500 mi range and 14,000 lb Trailering ability. (With the Tri motor AWD)…but i asked the same question. How far will it tow said 14,000 lbs and on what kinda terrain. Im betting maybe MAX 150-200 mi on dead flat roads. A JOKE.

      As for the Body, it’s beyond laughable – Stupid lines – not very aerodynamic at all. A Design JOKE. FUGLY beyond belief…makes a unibody Ridgeline
      look nearly truck like.

      My 2006 D’max (@573,145 kms), could tow cirlces around this virtue signalling grocery van-thingy.

  30. As sad as the ummm…sort of thing that wants to identify as a truck… (do they have vehicle Pride Parades?)…is the adoring media popping pictures.
    Reminds me of a fashion catwalk, where overpriced and undertalented “designers” churn out ugly clothes that nobody in a sane state would actually wear, all to the breathless adoration of their own bubble of media admirers (equally overpriced and undertalented).

  31. The screwy wheel says it’s obviously a mock-up. It would be easy to dismiss as a hoax if it weren’t for that stupid flamethrower that Musk came up with.

  33. Looks like a scaled down version of the armored truck from the movie ‘Aliens’. I’d consider it if i had Bishop as a chauffeur..

  35. Why bulletproof windows? When the sun is at just the right angle, oncoming motorists are going to want to smash that big flat blinding plane of glass.
    Other criticisms aside it could be the perfect vehicle for transporting materials between a job site and the nearest Tim Horton’s.

  37. This thing kind of reminds me of that picture of the Iranian “pilot” in the cockpit of his “fighter jet” that was circulating a few years ago.

  38. I personally appreciate the nod to the master of 70’s wedge design; Giorgetto Giugiaro. Check out the Maserati Boomerang, Audi Ace of Spades. Also similar to the Aston Martin Bulldog. However, seems kind of ham-fisted for TESLA. Trolling perhaps?

    2. “USA TODAY
      Nov 21, 2019
      A rocket prototype developed by SpaceX – the private space transportation company founded by Elon Musk – partially exploded during a pressurization test conducted by the team Wednesday.

      The Starship MK1 prototype, which was tested at the company’s Boca Chica, Texas, launch site, erupted at its tip, sending vapor and shrapnel flying into the air. The explosion was documented by YouTube user LabPadre….”

  40. The “Bullet Proof” windows are a very nice touch.
    Obviously too many were escaping the firery doom.
    Elon does not like people crashing his creation,they must suffer.

  42. The slanted sides extending over {what I must presume to be) the bed will interfere with loading and unloading the bed. This is a pickup designed by people who have never used one.

  44. That thing looks like something draw by a 6 year old ! What are we now in the era of the stealth truck ?

  45. I wanna know who is going to clean the windshield on the inside up near the hood. I ain’t being that guy.

  46. This goes well with other Elon Musk insanity such as building and selling flamethrowers during the California bush fire season or smoking drugs on national TV. Total nutcase?? Now we’re finding out all types of scenarios that Tesla drivers are encountering because of equipment failures such as car fires and loss of control on ”autopilot.”

    Why is this stuff not being reported on CBC and CNN??

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