28 Replies to “Plagiarized From The Onion”

  1. Why do leftists have to ruin things for everyone?
    Just like the tee-teetotalers ruined liquor for everyone during Prohibition.
    If they make Spider-Man gay, make Big Gay Al a straight Christian Republican.

  2. It seems to be that it is white, heterosexual males who pay for most of the tickets at the theatre (including for dates, wives and kids). How many gay blacks are there to provide a market? A black and/or gay Spiderman would be a financial disaster and simply pandering to a minority. How well did Brokeback Mountain do compared to, for example, Space Cowboys?

  3. But if someone published the article: “Why it’s time for a white Luke Cage”, they’d be pilloried.
    Equality!

  4. I used to live in Kennsington and had 2 roomies. Actually, at that time, I was down and out and they took me into their flat so although they were roomates, I was just a guest. One roomie(John) was a Black guy who was working out to try for the Dinosaurs Football team, the other was a white guy from Ontario, who I’ll call “Tom Grey”.
    Tom was a HUGE Spiderman fan and was totally convinced that Spiderman was a Christian.
    I silently disagreed, but had an “I-don’t-give-a-xxxx attitude” to the idea.
    Hello Tom, Spiderman is just a literary vehicle like King Arthur.(Tom owned better reading material by C.S. Lewis; Mere Christianity, That Hideous Strength, Screwtape Letters, even ‘The Wardrobe’, …but never discussed them)
    How many people would buy Spiderman comics/movies if Peter Parker was a cannibal?
    Have sex with your same sex, eat your same species, what’s the difference?
    (Jeffery Dahmer was totally down with that)
    Why make Peter Parker Black or a Homo? Why not make him a Smurf or celibate?
    Why do they have to mix politics with comic books, music, dietary needs, everything?
    (cultural Marxism, that’s why)
    Reject Cultural Marxism.

  5. Creating a gay Spiderman is as stupid as creating a Straight Pride Parade.
    If they need a gay super-hero, then have the class to create a marketable one from scratch, though I’m sure probably more than a few attempts have already been made.
    I suggest something simple like “Sodoman”. His super power could be hammering bad guys up the *ss from a great distance.

  6. as a transracial, trans sexual, trans abled, Transylvanian transcronilogical…I’m confused…

  7. “I suggest something simple like “Sodoman”.
    Good one. For the diesel dykes market, howz about LezbeeMan! Action figure portrays *”Chuckie” from Child’s Play, with a realistic vagina.
    *marriage not included,

  8. There already is a half-black, half-Latino Spider-Man. Miles Morales.
    Oh, and the Latino/Irish one, Miguel O’Hara (Spider-Man 2099).

  9. But why stop there?
    As any prog-Liberal knows, the perfect Spiderman would be a black (trans-racial), one-legged single mother transgendered lesbian vegan muslim…..
    Amirite?

  12. The comics industry has already left this debate so far in the dust that the author of that piece sounds like he’s writing about an episode of ‘Leave it to Beaver’.
    Forget homosexual superheros; there are already a (forgive the expression) butt-tonne of them. Poison Ivy and Catwoman are doing the nasty, for example. Meanwhile, MODOK is a hydrocephalic midget on a floating throne, Galactus has an eating disorder, Bruce Banner is in anger management, Fing Fang Foom obviously has a skin condition, Etrigan (that’s the rhyming demon, for you cool people out there) suffers from Tourette’s, Deadman is living-impaired, Kingpin and Lex Luthor co-founded the Hair Club for Men, Luke Cage is in dire need of a wardrobe update and Daredevil is vision-impaired. As for the alleged outrage about Transgendered Thor, people seem to have forgotten that Thor has already been both a frog and a space camel. Seriously, google “Beta Ray Bill” and ask yourself what Stan the Man Lee was smoking that day.
    Comics are fantasy. Only drooling fanatical progressives would see them as a vehicle for their social justice jihad. What’s next? Ashton Kutcher lopping his ‘nads off for “One and a Half Men” (who would notice or care)? “The Odd Couple” starring two women who have difficulty living together (like that’s a stretch of the imagination)? A female Captain Kirk and a female Mr. Spock were both tried, and both thundered in like the Enterprise with Riker at the helm. Does it even matter anymore? In a world where a white woman can call herself black and head an NAACP chapter, and a guy with his wedding tackle intact can call himself a woman and make the cover of magazines; in a world where self-selected identity, not chromosomes and genitalia, determine which bathroom you are and are not allowed to use, and where the Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court thinks “established by the state” means “established by someone who is not the state”, isn’t anything possible?
    I say we throw up our hands and embrace the world the perpetually outraged social justice wankers want to see. The next Avengers movie should star a CGI space camel as Thor; Peter Dinklage as the Hulk; Vladimir Putin in blackface as Captain America; a groundhog as the Falcon; the biggest, fattest, ugliest paraplegic black guy we can find as Black Widow (hey, it’s BLACK widow! and besides, nobody goes to those movies to see ScarJo doing acrobatics in a leather catsuit anyway, amiright?); Roseanne Barr as Loki; and Chris Tucker in full-on Ruby Rod mode as Tony Stark. Guaranteed $1B opening weekend.
    Just remember: the SJWs aren’t interested in building a new society – all they care about is tearing down the one that exists, one piece at a time. They are the new anarchists, no different from Prince Peter Kropotkin and the bomb-throwing psychpaths of the late 1800s, except that instead of throwing bombs they’re venting their perpetual adolescent outrage on the internet. Understand this: they don’t care whether Spiderman is black or gay or transgendered or Tunisian or has webbed feet. All they care about is that YOU care about it, and that’s why they’re attacking it. Their only goal is ruin.
    And if you think that this is a joke…if you think that chipping away at tiny pieces of our current society, including its fantasy heros, isn’t as much a part of the left’s agenda as destroying our energy production capacity, undermining the struggle against radical Islam, or fundamentally transforming the structure and fabric of the world’s oldest and most stable nations via every conceivable means from unbounded mass immigration to progressively rewriting the world’s second-oldest constitution…why then, I’m sorry, but you really don’t understand the enemy at all.

  13. Ken. I think we have reached the point of no return. down is the only direction the current generation understand.

  15. Thank you ! For finally giving me an OUT for all this madness … Trans … from now on … I am a Transaction hero ! Give me YOUR money, and I’ll leave you alone.

  16. James Walker>
    “Is it time for a white female leader of the NAACP ?”
    Heh – good one!
    Of course the answer is NO, as they’ve taught the youth of the west, “only white people can be racist”.

  17. Ya know, living under this pall of lefty dogma is probably what it was like living under the tyranny of the church of Rome in the middle ages – blasphemers and heretics must be pilloried or burned or undergo star chamber inquisition.
    Living in with lefty is like living with a religious fanatic cult – always pushing their superstitions and surreal belief systems on you.
    unfortunately for the lefty pontificate, I will never convert and never surrender, and I’m not alone.

  18. “Just remember: the SJWs aren’t interested in building a new society – all they care about is tearing down the one that exists, one piece at a time. They are the new anarchists, no different from Prince Peter Kropotkin and the bomb-throwing psychpaths of the late 1800s, except that instead of throwing bombs they’re venting their perpetual adolescent outrage on the internet. Understand this: they don’t care whether Spiderman is black or gay or transgendered or Tunisian or has webbed feet. All they care about is that YOU care about it, and that’s why they’re attacking it. Their only goal is ruin.
    And if you think that this is a joke…if you think that chipping away at tiny pieces of our current society, including its fantasy heros, isn’t as much a part of the left’s agenda as destroying our energy production capacity, undermining the struggle against radical Islam, or fundamentally transforming the structure and fabric of the world’s oldest and most stable nations via every conceivable means from unbounded mass immigration to progressively rewriting the world’s second-oldest constitution…why then, I’m sorry, but you really don’t understand the enemy at all.”
    Very well said and worth repeating. You say it much better than my fumbling previous explanations of same views.
    oldwhiteguy, exactly. I am soon done but I am almost sorry the I and my wife had children and now grandchildren. They will have to go through the fire.

  19. Well all I can say to our dancing monkeys in the entertainment industry is this:
    I pay you to entertain me. If you don’t entertain me I won’t pay you. If you are going to produce movies aimed at perverts, degenerates and minorities – you can sell your product to them and I will look for a new dancing monkey. Maybe a trade up to a non-gay, non-SJW midget is in order?
    Shove your lecture, Stan. And stay away from the kids. I know it is anathema to liberals and even some conservatives (that should know better) but – have you ever noticed that the people pushing homosexuality at kids are usually almost always pedos as well…?

  20. You are quite correct, the sad reality is that if the religious right had the same stranglehold on our society that the left currently has we would simply be slave to a different dogma under a different tyranny. 2015 and mankind is still clueless on how to protect personal freedoms from power-hungry regimes, even in that bastion of freedom, the good ol’ US of A.
    To Ken and oldwhiteguy…. I understand your frustration, maybe something I heard years ago will help with the feelings of gloom. I am paraphrasing, but the meaning should still be clear……
    “Over mankind’s history, two things have never changed. Things continue to get better for everyone and the elders are always convinced they are getting worse.”
    Do either of you remember how your parents were convinced your generation was dragging society into a shithole? With your goddam rock and roll, hot rods and necking in public? (Ha, maybe they were right.) And I’m sure your grandparents were horrified at jazz and the “loose” behavior it promoted. My God, let women vote, are you crazy? What, coloreds can use my water fountain, what a travesty!
    Looking at current affairs, especially crippling government debts, it could be fairly said we f*cked things up loooong before this generation showed up at the scene. I look at my hard-working daughters and their friends and can’t help but feel some hope for our future.

  21. This nonsense has been coming up for years around the James Bond franchise. I can remember some goof arguing for a black James Bond 20+ years ago.

  22. Smells like Onion, looks like Onion, talks like Onion…must be Onion…
    No?
    Someone at Onion just slapped their head and asked “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  23. Agreed.
    @ Canadian Observer, my parents were right, we are now in a s*ithole, politically and socially and digging deeper. It actually is alright if some want to live in that hole. What I object to is being forced to accept it and live in same hole.

  25. I’m thinking of converting to islam, and going full sharia.
    Let the progressive leftist sludge come after me then…
    mhb23re

  26. The basis of this story is the contract Marvel had with Sony Pictures. The character traits are spelled out in some detail. SpiderMan is a white, heterosexual, male from Queens New York. We know this because Wikileaks posted the Sony hacks. You can read it for yourself here but it takes awhile to load.
    https://wikileaks.org/sony/docs/07/junderwood/1%20Corp%20Dev/Spiderman/Executive%20Summary%20of%20All%20Deal%20Points/Executive%20Summary%20%28Creative%29.pdf

  27. Spider-Man is a nervous teen consumed with self doubt
    At one time as a white hetero he would have been on top of the world but now the progressives have told him he sucks as a male, as a hetero , he can’t stare or even think about girls , he can’t get into certain colleges and his spot in college has been reserved for a minority
    He needs to be a white hetero teen to have enough institutionalized self doubt

  28. “Over mankind’s history, two things have never changed. Things continue to get better for everyone and the elders are always convinced they are getting worse.”
    Because Lenin was such an improvement over what came before. It’s a good thing those elders were wrong!
    Four words Boomers can’t stand: “Your parents were right.”
    And they were.

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