Over at the Shotgun, Laura is frightened.
“This is scary shit. The prison abuses are scary shit. All of the lies are scary shit.”
Well, Laura, you found us out. I confess… there is a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy[tm] and nobody noticed until now. I know this is true, because, well… I’m in it. And now that you’ve found us out, I’ve been given permission to tell you the rest.
Please, sit down.
There never were any weapons of mass destruction. None. Anywhere. We knew that all along – there never was a Halabja. It was filmed in a remote part of Texas hill country.�Mexican illegals, playing dead for the camera. Rumsfeld directed – he shook Saddam’s hand, didn’t he? It was all fake, Laura. Didn’t you notice the flags were waving? Waving, Laura. There’s no atmosphere in northern Iraq.
It’s Vietnam all over again. Tet. My Lai (did you know it’s pronounced “me lie”?) Soldiers raping babies. Quagmire quagmire quagmire. Bush lied. Bush is stupid. Bush is a chimp. An evil mastermind Nazi puppet chimp who engineered the takeover of America by stealing the election. And he’s ours. We hold the strings.
We murdered Vince Foster, just to watch him die. And so we could blame Hillary.
Udday was gunned down by the capitalist forces of globalization. His hands were in the air, his fingers pleading – “Peace”. He knew the cure for cancer, so they couldn’t let him live. There were panties on his head.
Nick Berg is on a secret tropical island, with his Helliburton pension, golfing with Jack Kennedy and sharing peanut butter and bacon sandwiches with Elvis. Yucking it up with Danny Pearl. There’s a greenish glass jar in the entertainment center, beside the big screen TV. Inside, a Roswell alien floats gently, gently, upside down. A pallid little creature bobbing in a lava lamp. Some sick bastard has slapped a decal on it; “Don’t Mess With Texas”.
“Don’t Mess With Texas”, Laura.
It was all about the oil. It’s always about the oil. Japan was about the oil. Vietnam was about the oil. Panama? Oil.
There are alligators in the sewers of New York. I once had a friend who knew someone who had a Doberman who choked on the finger of a burglar. In the fifties there was a engine that got 200 miles to the gallon but Big Oil stole the plans and murdered the inventor. The drug companies created AIDS through genetic engineering to kill the gays. Ronald Reagan told them to. The WTC towers were taken out by Israeli missiles, there never was a Holocaust and the JEWS RULE THE WORLD!!!
So, Laura, there you have it. You’re free to go. You’ve got the truth now – spread the word. Proclaim it far and wide. Write your newspaper. Nobody will believe you, because…
We’re a vast right wing conspiracy.
And we own the media.
Um… If it were about the oil then wouldn’t have taking over Saudi Arabia have made more sense? I mean, they actually have working infrastructure to produce the stuff, unlike Iraq. Most thieves know better than to try and steal a car that is sitting on blocks.
And we’re taking over the internet, too. Just give us time.
THIS is why I read blogs, to have the puffery and confusion of the world stripped from mine eyes!
Ahhhh, light!
It all makes sense now.
I think this post merits many, many trackbacks.
The truth is out there.
Set it free.
It can now be revealed Herman Munster’s staccato laughter was actually morse coded messages to Nazi Hitler clones in Brazil. They had it dubbed in Polish and retranslated into Portugese to throw off Bobby Kennedy, The Justice League and the 1969 NY Mets.
Oh, and I’m a large grey squirrel with crooked teeth and a rash shaped like Patrick Ewing’s head on my posterior.
You forgot to mention that the entire mission statement of the VRWC is contained in the lyrics of The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”. That one was Hoover’s idea. That crazy Hoover… what a nut.
Oh, and be expecting a trackback!
Should we tell people that “trackback” is actually Mossad’s codeword for Clinton’s curved cherrypicker?
Hello?
You, Goldstein, sometimes frighten me. I was about to describe in some detail just how, but “breath control” is involved, and my Dad reads the blog.
And I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you pesky kids!
And Alcoa is putting microchips in the aluminum foil so it amplifies the signal. So…Laura…you know…
I’m just so glad someone has finally and spelled it all out for us!
Well at least she didn’t let out the BIG secret, that the Evangelicals and Zionists are funding al-Qaeda……arrgggg!
My utmost admiration. But next time…ixnay on the ellingtay.
Seriously woman, keep this stuff under wraps for now. LaHaye and Jenkins told Bush to push the Second Coming from Revelations off until after the election.
well, now that the secret is out, i might as well let everyone know that they can buy a copy of the “vast right wing conspiracy for dummies”, our intro book, from me for $150 (of course it’s expensive, we’re all rich).
just send me the check, your book will be in the mail.
We’ve got all the guns too, in case any of these peace protesters people get further out of line than we’re willing to allow. Don’t forget that one. And didn’t we have the Simpsons on that same island Nick Berg is on at one time?
The only thing wrong with that post is that it won’t all fit on a t-shirt. Maybe someone could set it in serif typeface and print it on fakey parchment-like paper, and we could hang it on our walls like “Footprints” or “Desiderata”.
That’s not a bad idea….
Actually Tommy Agee was catching on so we kidnapped him and replaced him in the Met’s center field with a Coke Slurpee and a cheese doodle. No one was the wiser though if you check his stats, his batting average in the ’69 World Series was over 100 points lower than his average for the season.
Upon reflection, the vast (and don’t forget, fabulously wealthy) right wing conspiracy should have gone with Barry Goldwater’s plan of a brandy sifter, a cocktail peanut, and Barbara Eden’s fez. That combination is believed to help pick out the rotation on a slider better.
That’s right, I’m naming names. A burden has been lifted.
(Mr. Hudson, put down that Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator and take your medication…and pick up those acorn hulls!)
Uh, gotta go bye…
classic. i especially like you working in the governmental creation of the HIV virus, that’s always been a favorite stupiracy of mine.
As long as nobody figures out we are running the whole thing from Canada…
Only one word truly expresses what I have to say:
Fnord.
Ummm,
Just so everyone knows since it’s confession time. I’m the guy that put the decal on the alien’s jar. I thought it was funny at the time, but his friends left a picture of a man sized jar in my mailbox the other night, so you won’t hear from me for awhile
If we wanted the oil so bad would it not have been smarter to play “French” and simply have dropped the sanctions against Sadaam? He did make that offer a few times to us as he saw that hammer slowely dropping down on his head. Now my gas prices are through the roof. Oh wait, that’s because Haliburton and Cheney are keeping it all for themselves.
It’s not Bush.
It’s the COMMUNIST GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PARROTING PUPPET GANGSTER ASSASSINS THROUGH FRANKENSTEIN EARPHONE RADIO CONTROLS!
(If you’re going to go the tinfoil hat route, may as well go all the way and get really interesting…)
Wonderful post! Gotcha linked and on my favorites. Great job!
As long as you don’t tell them the next step (you know, where we decide that Iraq just isn’t pumping enough oil and the Iraqis are not helping with all those armed thugs running amok and it’s too far anyway so: we invade Venezuela–right after the UN discovers the [planted] WMD on the shores of the Embalse de Guri–to get our hands on their, you guessed it, OIL). Shhh.
**Sigh**
I was all set to order a corndog with relish, onion rings, and a large orange drink, until I noticed the post was “Confession Time”, not “Consession Time”….
Drat.
This post is an obvious fake.
All REAL VRWC information is posted using special “hidden” punctuation and “hiding” the start and end of paragraphs in order to confuse the enemy.
See the work of top agent Abiola for more details.
NO, NO, NO! It’s much too early to be coming clean! We still have too much left to accomplish. Our mission is not nearly complete! Kate, what are you thinking!?
Oh, this is just great, Kate. I hope you feel better spilling all the beans like you did. Did it make you feel powerful?
Everyone, reset your VRWC transponders to our backup frequency. We need to regroup and reorganize.
Hoover, put someone on Laura ASAP. We must get to her before she talks to Rather.
Not to worry. Rather was replaced with a biometrically enhanced, surgically altered replacement months ago when he was an embed in Iraq. The real Rather, lobotomized, micro-chipped, and given a hypnosis induced addiction to Mexican soap operas, was returned to Texas where he busses tables at a roadhouse outside of a suburb of Houston. Molly Ivens frequents the place and has yet to recognize him.
Now, there’s the first conspiracy theory on this thread that sounds plausible…
Did anybody notice that nobody ever heard of Saddam Hussein until Jimmy Hoffa disappeared? I’m just sayin’…
Did anyone notice that Saddam Hussein wasn’t taken off the airwaves in Iraq until Al Jazeera was accidently bombed?
Heh.
Oops. There went another cat.
The Freemasons are behind it! They placed Satanic symbols into the street map of Washington DC to send messages to renegade Objectivist extraterrestrials from Zeta Reticuli.
Hey DU, try this one on for size. It’s as good as anything else you’ve got!:
It’s a well known fact that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as “The Pentavret”, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado known as “The Meadows”. So, who’s in this “Pentavret”? The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up.
Mamamontezz,
I found a Nexdisk memory stick with the words “Rather’s Brain” etched into it somewhere in the Sunni Triangle (I can’t say where). I thought that a bit daft since a stick only holds about 32 meg, but then again it is Rather we’re talking about. The files are encrypted, but figured since you know where he is, you’d know what the frequency is, “Kenneth.” Your real name is Kenneth isn’t it??
Oh, come on! It didn’t even mention the Illuminati, the alien controllers that live in the Face on Mars, Planet X, the meddling time travelers, or the Bermuda Triangle dimensional gate. Just trying to hide EVERYTHING, aren’t you?
You know I’m going to have to kill you all now, dont you?
all of the dirt on the VRWC can be found here
http://www.angryamericandesigns.com
and here
http://www.cafeshops.com/aad_inc
mmmmwwwwwhahahahhahaha
i love this very siteoooooooooooo
Does anyone else remember the image of Lt Calley as Alfred E Neumann saying “What, My Lai?” ?
Life, Truth, and a Confession
Lots of stuff to chat about today. Good discussion at Critical Mass about the decision to go to grad or law school, protracted adolescence, life, the universe, and everything. I took a couple of years off before grad school, and…