Mutant Ninja Turtles No More

Somebody, pinch me.
Former conjoined tortoises go separate ways at home

The former conjoined tortoises — who drew worldwide media attention when they were separated in a delicate three-hour operation February 8 — returned home to Tucson, Arizona, this week showing signs of relishing their separate lives, owners Sharon and Bobby Ehasz said.

They didn’t. Tell me they didn’t do this.

Ehasz said his wife worries that bills will keep piling up to care for the 4-inch turtles, whose scars are covered in gauze hardened with epoxy. Already, the couple said they used part of their tax refund check to pay roughly $300 in anesthesia bills. That’s in addition to $700 they shelled out to buy the 3-year-old reptiles in December.
More hospital stays and surgeries also may be needed to correct a curvature in the turtles’ bottom shell, which keeps them from walking properly.

Let’s see if I’m following this so far. They took the world’s only known uber-mutant turtles, worth $700 US and invested a further $300 to turn them into 2 lumps of worthless algae growth medium, one of which could yet depart its mortal coil.
Gotcha.

“It’s all worked out the way it should have so far,” Ehasz said, thanking a handful of donors who helped pay for medicines and a new plexiglass-enclosed home he’s building for the pets. “It’s our responsibility to keep taking care of them.”

No Ehasz, had it worked out the way it should have, there would be a flock of happy seagulls preening turtle guts off their feathers.
At this point, there are some commentators who might exclaim “Only in America!”
Uh, no.
Only in Some Whirling Alternate Universe of Rock Hard Stupid.

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