November 28, 2007

Moby Ted

Borrowing an idea spotted at The Corner - help Ted Kennedy name his memoirs,

Update: The suggestions are beginning to roll in...

"Memories of Dead Things" - My liver and my lovers

Driving Miss Kopeckne

The Bridges of Chappaquiddick County

And the early frontrunner -
TEDDY: Not even worth shooting

Posted by Kate at November 28, 2007 12:10 PM

"...Hachette Book Group USA..."

Hachette publishes wine guides. Coincidence?

I'll start with the obvious: "A Bridge Too Far"

Posted by: Charles MacDonald at November 28, 2007 12:12 PM

If I did It.

Posted by: Ratt at November 28, 2007 12:13 PM

Rodger at Are We Lumberjacks was way out ahead of this one.... His Idea "If I Drove It" complete with sample art for the cover....
Teddy Writes

Posted by: OMMAG at November 28, 2007 12:16 PM

Must be a whale of a book.

Posted by: clair voyant at November 28, 2007 12:18 PM

That's Teddy Writes ... sorry fixed the linky

Posted by: OMMAG at November 28, 2007 12:18 PM

My suggestion :
"Memories of Dead Things" - My liver and my lovers

Posted by: OMMAG at November 28, 2007 12:22 PM

Driving Miss Kopeckny

Posted by: Rene at November 28, 2007 12:25 PM

Lady in the Water

Posted by: Soccermom at November 28, 2007 12:29 PM

Dad always liked them best

Last in a four-brother race

Not even worth shooting

Witness to History:
A Bleary-Eyed View of the 20th Century

Posted by: DCardno at November 28, 2007 12:32 PM

Letters on Corpulence

Posted by: BillyHW at November 28, 2007 12:38 PM

Not even worth shooting"

Way....waaaaayyyy too funny!

Posted by: John Luft at November 28, 2007 12:41 PM

The Bridges of Chappaquiddick County

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 12:42 PM

"All Water under the Bridge"
my life in retrospect

Posted by: cal2 at November 28, 2007 12:45 PM

OMMAG!!!!!!!! You owe me a new keyboard. I just sprayed coffee all over the old one.

Instant classic!

"My suggestion :
"Memories of Dead Things" - My liver and my lovers"

Posted by: Jim at November 28, 2007 12:52 PM

"Come Hell or High Water"

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 12:56 PM

Drinking and Driving and How to Get Away with it.
($5000 per copy-only the very rich need to buy one)

Posted by: Jim in Calgary at November 28, 2007 12:57 PM

"A Whale's Tale"

"Fat, Drunk and Stupid: The Ted Kennedy Story"

"Glug Glug Glug: How I Killed Mary Jo"

Posted by: mojo at November 28, 2007 12:58 PM

Chappaquiddick: The original Whitewater Scandal

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 12:58 PM

I bet Teddy wishes this would all go away, but we will never forget MaryJo. How voters keep electing this guy is beyond me.

Posted by: MaryT at November 28, 2007 12:59 PM

Ted Kennedy: How to get away with absolutely anything.

Posted by: The Phantom at November 28, 2007 1:07 PM

" Just call me OJ"

Posted by: Mike H at November 28, 2007 1:12 PM

How about "I'll Cross that Bridge When I Come to It"

or "The Two Faces of Ted Kennedy"

How about a Ted Kennedy Cookbook:
"Ted Kennedy's Traditional Seven Course Irish Dinner, a Six-Pack and a Potato"

Posted by: Dave in Pa. at November 28, 2007 1:13 PM

The Runt of the Litter

On the Coattails of Family

Posted by: DCardno at November 28, 2007 1:13 PM

National Lampoon had the cover art, more than thirty years ago:

Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim at November 28, 2007 1:15 PM

Forward to "How to get away with absolutely anything." by Bill Clinton.

Posted by: The Phantom at November 28, 2007 1:16 PM

I seem to remember a Volkswagen commercial with a VW Bug floating in a river, caption read "Too bad Teddy didn't drive a Beetle."

Posted by: The Phantom at November 28, 2007 1:19 PM

Just Chappaquidding! My Life Of Politics And Coattail-Riding by Ted Kennedy

Posted by: Dudley Morris at November 28, 2007 1:30 PM

"Time in a Bottle - The Chivas Regal Years"

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 1:36 PM

Slime in a bottle

Posted by: h.ryan. at November 28, 2007 1:53 PM

Wet Dreams - Memoirs of a Drunk Leftard

Posted by: b_C at November 28, 2007 2:06 PM

"The Ugliest of Things"

Posted by: Spyder at November 28, 2007 2:07 PM

Don't forget:


Posted by: Doug at November 28, 2007 2:08 PM

Wassup? My Take on Political, Social and Moral Philosophies

Posted by: b_C at November 28, 2007 2:20 PM

Ted Kennedy:

"Living proof of the case against hereditary entitlement"

"Illustrating the moral vacuousness of the blue states" Subtitle: "where to run if you've killed someone"

Posted by: Warwick at November 28, 2007 2:24 PM

PHANTOM: "I seem to remember a Volkswagen commercial with a VW Bug floating in a river, caption read "Too bad Teddy didn't drive a Beetle."
Posted by: The Phantom at November 28, 2007 1:19 PM"

Here's the story on that. It was magazine parody, not a VW ad.

A close friend of mine was a subscriber, told me the whole story, and had one of those copies, one of his treasured possessions. It happened was back in the early 70's, when VW still manufactured and sold the Beetle in the US. And this was only a few years after Chappaquiddick, which was very fresh in the public memory.

VW had a big newspaper and magazine ad campaign that year and the slogan, with a background photo of a VW Beetle floating in a pond, sought to emphasize VW's engineering and construction quality. The slogan was "Volkswagens definitely float, but don't float indefinitely."

Mad Magazine came out with a parody, the same background photo but with the slogan superimposed, "If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he'd be President today!"

As soon as that issue came out, Ted reacted. They put the Kennedy legal machine in overdrive. Only the first day's subscription mailings went out, about 50,000 copies, before the Kennedy machine managed to get an injunction against Mad Magazine to cease and desist publishing the parody. Notwithstanding the libel laws that say satire of a public figure is legal, the Kennedy legal machine managed to get the injunction made permanent, and the court ordered Mad Magazine to destroy all the copies it had.

Posted by: Dave in Pa. at November 28, 2007 2:25 PM

"Remembrances of Things Pissed"

"American Bloody Caesar"

"Twenty Thousand Misdeeds Under the Sea"

"Profiles in Cowardice"

"Mein Gaffe"

Posted by: Paul Canniff at November 28, 2007 2:29 PM

Ted Kennedy: I can avoid grassy knolls but rivers are like magnet to a drunk

Ted Kennedy: Avoiding grassy knolls since 1963

Ted Kennedy: Treason or Murder?

Ted Kennedy: Waterboarding's Early Years

Posted by: Warwick at November 28, 2007 2:34 PM

If he cuts an album next it could include: Scotch on the Water, Summer of 69 and

Good Bye Mary Jo

I saw your lips I heard your voice
believe me I just had no choice
Wild horses couldn't make me stay
I thought about a moonlit night
I had the wheel was good an’ tight
That's all I had to hear for me to say


I said "Good Bye Mary Jo
I must depart
Sweet Mary Jo
I’ve had too much of you
I knew Mary Jo
You’d never part
Say Good Bye Mary Jo
I must depart

Kennedy pled guilty to leaving the scene of an accident and received a suspended sentence of two months in jail. How does that sound Justice Gomery?

Posted by: Cal at November 28, 2007 2:34 PM

Edward Mountebank Kennedy: My shit don't stink, nor stick - ever.

Posted by: b_C at November 28, 2007 2:40 PM

Unsinkable Dick Dipper's Memoirs, Unabridged.

Posted by: Liz J at November 28, 2007 3:07 PM

The famous Volkswagen ad was a creation of "National Lampoon", not "Mad" magazine. google it...

Posted by: abcd at November 28, 2007 3:10 PM

Not Far from the Tree:
The Teddy Kennedy Story

Posted by: DCardno at November 28, 2007 3:18 PM


Posted by: Karl at November 28, 2007 3:23 PM

"I'll Drink to That" The Ted Kennedy Story

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 3:29 PM

With apologies to Jimmy Buffet:

"Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw - That Summer on Chappaquiddick Island"

Posted by: Eskimo at November 28, 2007 3:33 PM

Water over, Troubled Bridges

Posted by: capt_bob at November 28, 2007 3:37 PM

"Ted Who?"

"Teddy, Beddy, Fleddy"

"Ted Fled, Cred Dead"

Posted by: Alan at November 28, 2007 3:53 PM

The Edward Kennedy Story - "The Politicians' Politician"

Posted by: hardboiled at November 28, 2007 4:04 PM

"I know what you did that summer"
Mary Jo,

Posted by: dinosaur at November 28, 2007 4:05 PM

From Chappaquittic With Love


The Invisible Woman

Days Of Slime And Roses

All Quiet On The Chappaquittic Front

Posted by: Bernie at November 28, 2007 4:09 PM

"Democracy seduced and debauched - my life in pork and gin"

Posted by: Tenebris at November 28, 2007 4:17 PM


Test 2

Posted by: Orlin at November 28, 2007 4:33 PM

There's something about Mary.

Posted by: tig at November 28, 2007 4:37 PM

Tickle me Teddy talks (between gin and blanket time)

Posted by: Orlin at November 28, 2007 4:47 PM

or -- Talking Tickle Me Teddy -- an introduction to (fill in the blank)

Posted by: Orlin at November 28, 2007 4:52 PM

Teddy Against Drunk Drivers Says "Don't Drink And Dive"

Posted by: bullwinkle at November 28, 2007 5:13 PM

Teddy K. Stars in....Mr. Floaties Summer Holiday

Posted by: bullwinkle at November 28, 2007 5:15 PM

"One Hell of a Ride" by Edward "Ted" Kennedy.

Posted by: Ryan at November 28, 2007 5:21 PM

I don't find this particularly funny. Never forget that this is a man who had both of his elder brothers shot to death publicly, the latter only one year before the Chappaquiddick incident. Small wonder he's had a battle with alcoholism over the course of his life.

Posted by: Belisarius at November 28, 2007 5:38 PM

I call BS on the last comment.First, he was expelled from Harvard for cheating on a Spanish exam. He was a grown man when he chose to participate in destructive behaviour. He essentially committed manslaughter when Kopeckne died. He then chickened out and used his family name to beat the rap, when all the while he was married with children.
I have personally gone through an absolutely horrible family tragedy and never once used it as an excuse for bad behaviour.
He is not a man, he is nothing more than a useless piece of skin.

Posted by: rattfuc at November 28, 2007 5:49 PM

So can I make fun of your family tragedy? Lets have the details.


Posted by: Belisarius at November 28, 2007 5:52 PM

Mary-Jo & Ted's Bogus Journey

Posted by: Reid at November 28, 2007 5:52 PM

Belisarius -- sorry -- don't buy your bull!

Posted by: Orlin at November 28, 2007 5:54 PM

Given that according to the Boston Globe link, "Kennedy will work with a collaborator and a researcher" a good title would be "The Ghosts of Chappaquiddick County".

Posted by: John Lewis at November 28, 2007 5:57 PM

Never forget that this is a man who had both of his elder brothers shot to death publicly...

...and was born into a life of wealth and privilege that most of us cannot imagine, had started cutting corners on academic and professional requirements well before either brother got involved in politics, has spent most of his life chasing women (not that there's anything wrong with that...) even unto the death of one poor girl (and there is something wrong with that), and -with an inexplicably sure seat in the most important legislature on the planet- has accomplished essentially nothing. By the way, don't forget Joe Jr - the first and perhaps worst of old Joe's many disappointments.

By staying in the political realm, Teddy has chosen to remain a target. Tirelessly invoking the images of his brothers has made him a bigger one, while being such a pompous windbag has made him irresistable.

Posted by: DCardno at November 28, 2007 5:57 PM

Belisarius - are you excusing his alcoholism or his behaviour when he left Mary Jo to drown? Chappaquiddick shows the true measure of this man.

here is my helpful book title for poor Mr. Kennedy

"Down em and Drown em"

by Teddy "Happy to escape the Chappy" Kennedy

Posted by: Marko at November 28, 2007 5:59 PM

Belisarius; There are many reasons for drinking and one just entered my head,if you cant drink when your living,how the Hell do you drink when your dead.There are many recovered alcoholics,He's not one of them.

Posted by: spike 1 at November 28, 2007 6:06 PM

Belisarius - you misunderstand. No one here is making fun of the Kopechne family tragedy - to the contrary. We are showing intense social disapproval of the man (sic) that caused it. Nor are we limiting our disapproval to this one instance, but to a lifetime of mendacity across the spectrum of his activities.

Now, if you object to mocking a lush, I suggest you take the issue up with MADD, who are just a trifle more blunt on the subject.

Posted by: Tenebris at November 28, 2007 6:24 PM
An exhaustive look at Ted Kennedy can be found at the above link. It is well researched , factual and a real eye opener when you see all the things done by the Kennedy family. I was amazed to find out how corrupt and influential Joe Kennedy really was and how he went about acheiving his goals. Also some good information on how the media 'could be bought' and influenced. All the police details on the chappaquiddick incident there as well.

Greetings to all in KateLand , Canada's newest best province.


Posted by: Arnie Madsen at November 28, 2007 6:33 PM

On the waterfront.

Posted by: Wimpy Canadian at November 28, 2007 7:26 PM

OMMAG wins hands down.

Belisarius, where's your brain, Teddy may have battled the bottle, but, battling lechery as in being an adulterous skirt chasing pig that resulted in drowning a kid because he was too drunk to drive was pretty sleazy, dead brothers or not. He went home never reporting the incident until it grabbed him by the butt. Some pathetic Kennedy capo read his insipid mea culpa statement for him the next morning. The creep. He gets a pass for what, again?

What keeps him alive politically is that the creep has over the decades cultivated lots of victim politic fools/paybacks/handouts on his plantation.

Posted by: penny at November 28, 2007 7:40 PM


Posted by: Argus at November 28, 2007 7:53 PM

How about Ted Kennedy: the Law years, My time at the firm of Drinkem,Dinkem and Dunkem.

Posted by: WL Mackenzie Redux at November 28, 2007 8:15 PM

"Love 'Em and Leave 'Em"

And for the reviews:

"Deserving of a Hachette job"

Posted by: Rick in BC at November 28, 2007 8:37 PM

Ted Kennedy stars in Orson Wells' Citizen's Bane!


Posted by: RightGirl at November 28, 2007 9:00 PM

I mentored Bill Clinton and then the dolt forgot "Water flushes DNA"

Posted by: Slap Shot at November 28, 2007 9:12 PM

"Drinkem, Dinkem and Dunkem", good one WL!

I haven't seen Teddy's bloated face on the TV since they showed him bloviating in righteous (if hypocritical, indignation) at Clarence Thomas' senate inquisition. How many years ago was that? Is he really still that bloated and alcoholic looking?

Posted by: felis corpulentis at November 28, 2007 9:23 PM

I almost completely forgot ...
Official Fatboy
Blooger has a really complete history of Edward K.

Posted by: OMMAG at November 28, 2007 9:55 PM


if the shot brothers were the problem, then 30 years later he wuz still effected, maybe he should have been put in a rubber room for life

FYI it wuz estimated that maryjo surivived for about 2 hours after the "accident", and it wuz estimated that it would have taken 45 minutes to get help, which was just up the road from the scene, and extract maryjo from the car. So I would call that murder, nothing less!!!!

Posted by: GYM at November 28, 2007 10:16 PM

These aren't original, but...
It's still safer going hunting with Dick Cheney than going on a date with Teddy Kennedy.

My guns have killed fewer people than Teddy Kennedy's car.

Here's one from PJ O'Rourke:
"Sen. Ted Kennedy: "And when the Reagan administration was selling arms to Iran, WHERE WAS GEORGE?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife."

Ann Coulter: "Ted, we'll drive off the side of that bridge when we come to it."

Posted by: Stan at November 28, 2007 10:31 PM

If you loved "Sleepless in Seattle"

then you are absolutely going to adore this cased series of titles for the Holiday giving:

"Boozing in Boston"

"Wasted in Washington"

"Bombed in Bean Town"


"High in Hyannis"

packed with the companion How-to pamplet:

"Pickling and Self-Embalming: an Experts Guide"

Posted by: Yoop at November 28, 2007 11:38 PM

Teddy Bare.

The Kopechne family was bought off and Mary Jo's body was never exhumed. If anyone has suffered, it isn't Ted Kennedy. His nephew Will Kennedy
Smith got off for date rape at the Kennedy compound in Florida...the pickled Senator is
a bloviating gasbag and an embarrassment to the
Democratic Party and the memory of his brothers
who had intelligence, integrity and grace.

Yeah, Papa Joe was a scary bootlegger who made his millions during Prohibition, but he DID want
better for his family even though it was paid
for through breaking the law.

Ironic, isn't it?

Papa Joe was also the one who wanted to appease
Hitler; and his OWN SON, John F. wrote a timely book on appeasement entitled 'Why England Slept.'
Still standard reading in US military libraries

Posted by: Cricket at November 28, 2007 11:54 PM

The Prick on the River Sty

Posted by: Elvis at November 29, 2007 3:16 AM

funny stuff what a great way to start my day. i don't think it's possible to add to the great stuff you all have contributed.

Posted by: old white guy at November 29, 2007 5:37 AM

Yo Cricket! Is that the same "in-tegrity" the dead brothers were pumping into Norma-Jean? Or maybe its the same integrity that ghost-wrote "Profiles in Courage"? Anyhow try this title:


Posted by: a different Bob at November 29, 2007 8:24 AM

How I Kept on Top of Things, a play book by Ted Kennedy.

Posted by: Liz J at November 29, 2007 9:01 AM

Profiles in Dutch Courage.

Posted by: Tom at November 29, 2007 9:32 AM

Cricket, it's generally agreed by scholars that JFK's book "Why England Slept" was mostly ghost-written by another scholar, whose name unfortunately escapes me at the moment.

Posted by: Dave in Pa. at November 29, 2007 9:37 AM

CHAPAQUEDIC TED whens he going to take a drive across another bridge?

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at November 29, 2007 10:48 AM

TK: Sins of Emissions
Fat Bastard, the Early Years

Posted by: RIMc at November 29, 2007 12:18 PM

The Lady in the Lake
The Dark Side of "Camelot"

Posted by: Tony at November 29, 2007 3:50 PM