Swift Yacht Veterans For Kerry

In a stinging retort to criticisms levied by the lowlife Swift Boat Veterans, who claim that John Kerry-Heinz's heroic Vietnam record is fabricated, the Massachusetts-based Wealthy Swift Yacht Veterans will unveil a commercial in which they maintain that Kerry-Heinz is a "jolly good fellow" and a "dapper gentleman indeed."

The ad features three white-haired men dressed in sailor hats, cravats, gold chains, gold Rollex watches, with blue, anchor-lapelled blazers; all of the men are sipping cognac, and two of them smoke pipes. They all claim to be Wealthy Swift Yacht Veterans who knew Kerry-Heinz during his "uproarious" days at their exclusive yacht club.

Highlights from the ad include:
"I had the pleasure of making Master Kerry-Heinz’s acquaintance on many a jovial occasion," claims Beauregard Kendalson, " and I say with full confidence that Kerry-Heinz cares about the little people, even Negroes."

"In the summer of ’72 John and I took the yacht to Lisbon," says Jacob Allen Reimschneider in between sips of cognac, "we were alone ... at sea ... for three months ... and there was ... surprisingly little ... homosexual activity. That bespeaks ... determination and leadership to me."

[...]

A spokesman for President Bush says that the ad is "disingenuous," and that, "John Kerry-Heinz is letting the Wealthy Swift Yacht Captains do his blue-blood work for him."

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