Give To Save My Flagging Career

Tom "Life Is A Highway" Cochrane, at a press conference yesterday to announce two Canadian fundraising concerts for tsunami relief;

"It's a natural disaster, but if one person dies because of disease or because of malnutrition because of this, then [the] shame [is] on us."

If one person "dies because of disease or malnutrition", Mr. Cochrane, it's because they were unfortunate enough to be living in countries ruled by corrupt dictatorships, burdened with socialism, civil war and/or religious anachronism that have so crippled their economies that they remain too poor to have resources at the ready to respond to disaster.

And you - you sanctimonious twit - have no business parcelling out "shame" vouchers. Indeed, if I were you, I'd be turning a few shades of red - capitalizing on the losses of those less fortunate to reap a little energy boost for your own flagging career. Going to prance around on a stage for us, screaming "ring those phones", are we? Be sure to shower us with praise, tell us how very remarkable we Canadians are. We can already picture Margaret Atwood looking on from the sidelines, swooning in self-congratulation.

Oh, and the charities you've chosen! Ms. Atwood's political hand has been at work here, surely - Oxfam, Care Canada, Doctors Without Borders (who already announced they've got enough) and War Child. War Child? - why yes! The kindergarten version of Amnesty International. (How did those little Dutch and German children manage without psychiatric centers, music and dance therapy, as they recovered in the wake of WWII...? )

I have a different deal for you Tom. Instead of another self-serving charity concert, with sky-high production costs and celebrities flying in on private jets, how about something truly groundbreaking - just cut a goddamn check. Pass the hat around. Celine? She's got to be good for 5 or 10 million. Avril Lavigne, Sarah McLachlan - two more ladies who could save everyone a lot of trouble and just pick up a pen. David Foster is out there somewhere. (I know it's harder to capture their interest without a tv camera pointed their way, but still...) Print up one of those nifty 6 foot long "checks" for the cameras, if you wish. Have your news conference and tell everyone the total you've raised directly from the Canadian music industry and then just ... go ... away.

Save the jet fuel, the stadium bookings, the long vans carrying CBC equipment and personnel to record and broadcast the events. Save the speeches, and the heart-rending personal stories, and the mismatched duets. Just save it.

We'll contribute by going out and picking up a CD or two, OK?

Win, win - and nobody has to endure the day-long spectacle of 25 millionaire musicians on stage doing the group hug singalong.